Friday, September 16, 2011

Paranormal Addiction

I had a little time to myself, so I thought I'd watch TV. I brought up my list of recorded programs to catch up on. There it was in black and white (or blue and white). My addiction. Staring me in the face. I'm addicted to...(cough)...paranormal reality shows. My list consisted of, "Ghost Hunters," "Ghost Hunters International," "Paranormal Witness," "Paranormal State," "A Haunting," and "Ghost Lab." I saw the list, and realized I have a problem and may need an intervention. It's not that I really believe in that stuff, I just get sucked in. I may believe in an 'energy' or 'angels' but not ghosts. And these shows do nothing to make me a believer, trust me.

In fact, there are lots of thing that annoy me about these shows, and yet...some weird force compels me to sit there and watch them. Let me share my annoyances:

A) If you have an entity that will actually turn a flashlight on and off, why do they waste the entity's time by continually having them turn it off and on? I mean, if I could have a yes or no conversation with an actual dead person, I'm not going to waste my time having them turn it on when I count to three, or turn it off when I get to ten. How about, "Are you a male or female?" "Was it you who murdered three people in this house?" Come on people! They probably quit turning the flashlights off and on because the conversation sucks!

B) Why must they hunt for ghosts in the dark? If you listen to a lot of the client's stories, their experiences happen during the day. I mean a lot! If you had the lights on, you might actually SEE what made that noise, instead of swinging your flashlight over to illuminate a bunch of nothingness. Not to mention, pale green negative is not a flattering color on anybody. You look like a deer caught in headlights.
My husband's not so secret lust object. I'm okay with that.

Which brings me to my next point.

C) Maybe you guys should wear cameras ON YOUR HEAD. Do you know how frustrating it is to have you see something when the camera is constantly focused on you? I want to see what you see. Your cameraman will never react fast enough in a million years to see your reaction AND spin in the right direction to catch the ghost on film.

D) Investigate REAL haunted houses. If you want to catch something on film, spend the night in the Amitiville Horror house, not Mark Twain's house. Just saying.
So quaint.

E) EVPs, I'm not hearing what you're hearing. I don't know. Most of them time sounds like...well, nothing. How do you get, "I'm not dead," out of the same thing that comes out of my radio when it's in between stations. Oh, I agree, the minute you tell me what you hear, I hear it too. It's called the power of suggestion.

F) The ghost box thing is much better than the thingy with lights on it. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's some sort of gadget that produces a lot of white noise, like a radio flipping through stations, and then you ask questions, and a word will pop out. The times I've seen it used, it actually gives you answers that make sense. Much cooler than green lights.Wanna hear one? 

G) I'm always in shock with actor portrayals. In "Paranormal Witness," they keep your attention by having a storyline instead of real time. So you're watching a little movie about 'real' (I use the term loosely) events and then they switch to the interview with the actual person. Does it ever shock you? In the portrayal, the woman is fetching, blond, nice features. Then...switch. Interview with actual person. Aaaackkk! Dishwater hair, slight under bite and about 50 lbs heavier than actor. OR actor with George Clooney looks (okay, maybe closer to Matt Damon) and real guy is balding, 25 years older than the actor, with beer gut. Go Hollywood. Umm, do the real people get to pick the people who portray them? Because then I totally get it.

H) Quit getting my hopes up! You cut to commercials when I think you have a ghost strangling you, I wait through 5 minutes of commercial only to find out you choked on your Mentos . That just isn't right. I feel violated. You didn't even buy me dinner.

I) The re-enacted tales...Do you notice they happen on the East coast and all happened during the 70s? Yeah, we all know what went on in the 70s. Are we sure it's ghosts? Or something else? Do we not have ghosts on the prairie? Okay, I did see an episode in Deadwood, SD. Maybe that counts.

J) Where are the ghosts anyway? It never fails that when you're downstairs, the noise is upstairs. You and your team race up there to find...nothing. But oddly, the noise is now DOWNSTAIRS. They're messin' with ya man. A ghost with a sense of humor.

And for the finale...this SNL sketch pretty much sums it up. And yet I still record...and watch. Weird. We all need rehab for something.


  1. I love watching those shows, too, hoping that I'll be scared or see something creepy only to be constantly disappointed. Constantly.

    My favorites are when Halloween rolls around and there's a bonanza of them. FUN TIMES FOR ALL!

  2. If I still had cable, I'd be right there with you. (And driving my husband batty. Most of these shows get on his nerves.)

    Every October though, I still have to search for and indulge in old episodes of ABC's Scariest Places on Earth. (Simply because Zelda Rubenstein as a narrator gives me the chills.)

  3. You forgot My Ghost Story - that one in my opinion is the best and I feel the SAME as you do on ALL points! Ghost "watching" has been our family friday night past time for several years....