Things My Kids Will Never Know

Since I'm an older than average waitress while going to school, I have a tendency to feel my age at certain moments...such as A) having a feeling of disgust when people come to work hung over and still sweating alcohol B) wanting to be done with their shift by 11 PM so they can still make a "party bus" and recently C) mentioning the song "Yellow Submarine" and someone looking at me with a complete blank stare. Wwwhaaa?!! How can ANYONE not know who the Beatles are?! Good Lord, has it been that long?

But it got me to thinking, what is it that I feel should be common knowledge, but my kids will have no clue?

So here's my list:

1) A rotary phone with a cord. And so many things that go along with that. They will never know the limitation of having a phone call ONLY when you're home, and then only 10 ft of cord length. Privacy? You had to shut yourself in a nearby closet, and your parents only had to trace the length of the cord to find you. AND they would always know who you were talking to, because you are RIGHT THERE. Not like you could disguise your conversation. AND I was from a Pierre, SD, so at one point, I didn't even have to dial the prefix. Only the last 4 numbers. I had to wait for that stupid phone to rotate all the way around, (7...tick, tick tick tick, tick) and if you had a lot of zeros in your number, you had to be a good friend, or you just weren't worth the effort.

Along with this, add an answering machine. They will only know voice mail.

2) Microwavable anything. NOTHING could be cooked in less than 10 minutes. Even now, when I cook a potpie for 4 minutes and it ends up still frozen in the center and I have to put it back in for 45 seconds...the kids complain!! Are you kidding me?? If I wanted a hot dog, it didn't take 20 seconds...first, I had to boil the water, then put the hot dog in and wait for at least 3 more minutes. Popcorn. Worse. Heat oil, put in 2 seeds, wait until they pop, add more popcorn wait an ungodly amount of like 6 minutes for it to finish popping. AND you had to stand there or you would start a fire. Which I did. Several times.

3) Television without the ability to fast forward through commercials, record your favorite program...or hell, even a remote! If you didn't set time aside to watch your favorite show, you were SOL. You had to pee? You waited for the commercial...and sat through them all. You missed something? Well too bad. Gone. You had to actually get off your fat bum to go turn a dial. You were considered rich if you had more than 5 channels. I remember the birth of HBO, and MTV. And MTV played music videos (gasp!) of bands in front of a psychedelic background. You adjusted antennas. Your TV was a huge box, not "flat." Your favorite program was on? You made time to all view it together, it was almost as important as the family dinner. If your favorite cartoon character farted, you couldn't rewind and play it over and over. (But, wait, farting and burping and vomiting weren't a part of our cartoons...)

4) We washed our dishes by hand, and you divided the chore into "wash," "dry" and "put away" and there were marvelous conversations held over hot water and bubbles.

5) We couldn't "Google" anything. You went to the library or you were lucky to own a set of encyclopedias.

6) We had "typing" class in Jr. High. With real life typewriters that didn't have a backspace or delete. Just "white out."

7) We played outside, made-up games. We knew our neighbors and we came home when it was dark. No worries. I remember a time when my parents had a camper parked in our driveway, and a friend and I spent the whole day drawing, coloring, and cutting out paper food for our "restaurant" in there. We sold lemonade, and painted rocks at the end of our driveway.

8) Parents (and Teachers) were allowed to "spank" us without fear of a 9-1-1 call or some sort of civil suit filed.

9) We behaved in public places without the aid of a "tablet" a "a Kindle" or any other electronic device. We behaved or we were spanked. End or story.

10) If you were a bully, you did it in person...not on Facebook, or via email. It's so amazing how brave certain people are when they don't have to confront someone face-to-face.

11) Obesity was not an issue.

12) Everyone suffered from chicken pox at least once.

13) Birthday parties were simple. You played pin the tail on the donkey, or pop the balloon by sitting on it and you blew out your candles on a lopsided cake.  It wasn't a competition of which parent could outdo which parent by rental blow up games, or rental of facilities or entertainment.

14) Roller skates that involved a key and a sturdy tennis shoe.

15) You had limited brand names...Wrangler, Levi's and that was about it.

16) College was affordable.

17) Video games were Pong, Donkey Kong, Centipede, and pinball. And they cost 25¢ to play.

18) Gasoline cost less than a dollar a gallon.

19) If you were lucky enough to own a video camera, it had a huge battery pack you strapped around your waist large enough to make Rambo proud.

And once you got older (18 was legal), choice of liquor shots consisted of whiskey, Everclear, Jack Daniels. Not a Chuck Norris, not anything involving Red Bull, or anything tasting like cake. Beer was American and was limited to brands such as Olympia, Pabst, Miller High Life, and Schlitz. We didn't care how many calories it had.

20) Barbie didn't have several Kens to choose from, or a mansion, or a car, or a Pet Shop. Most of mine had homemade clothes.

Ahhh, the simple life. Makes me wonder what my grandparents thought of as evolutionary....

My youngest is turning 6. He wants to play laser tag. He hasn't been to kindergarten yet, so I have to invite MY friends to be bait. Just so he has something to shoot at. Sad.

We look at everything wrong in the world today...drugs, shooting sprees in schools and public places, sexual and physical abuse, a disconnect with parents and children, violence, puberty happening sooner than 13....I think sometimes our world has allowed us to be more 'disonnected' in an all too connected world.

Family suppers have disappeared, holidays like "May Day," are gone, kids growing up too fast and exposed to so much too soon, families gathered around the TV instead of enjoying one-on-one interaction with one another...

*sigh*

Too many distractions, not enough interactions.

Life should be simple. It seems to have a greater impact.

42 Years of Work & All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt (this is for you dad)

After 42 years working for the state, my dad is retiring from work this Friday (well, technically Thursday, they're closed on Friday). Forty. Two. Years. Serving the community of the State of South Dakota. It's not often that you hear of people who have basically worked for the same 'company' for forty two years.

Let me put that into perspective. My dad was hired in 1969. The same year that we put a man on the moon. That's black and white television people!

I'm sure my dad has seen numerous people come and go. A lot of his comrades have already taken that road to retirement, as he watched with a half-envious eye. But he stuck it out. The people that work with him now, may or may not know the amazing accomplishments he has had during his extensive career, but do they really know the man? I'm guessing they could have an idea. BUT....

I'm here to tell you *big sly grin*!

So, a list of things you may or may not know about James (Jim, Jimmy Bob, Bob) Douglas, in no particular order:


A long, long time ago, in a land not so far away, my dad played a mean acoustic guitar...

in striped shorts and black socks...

with cowboy boots.

Yep. Old West meets a hippy wannabe. He used to sing too, but just let me say, the stroke hasn't affected his singing ability. He used to play a song by Meatloaf, "Two Out of Three Ain't Bad" and he'd have me be the backup singer. To this day, "Bat Out of Hell" is one of my favorite albums (CD, whatever).

He used to make stop-motion videos with an 8mm camera. For those of you who don't know what that is...think of it as a precursor to Pixar. He used to make playing blocks chase one another and make him and his friends magically disappear from atop a picnic table. Truly amazing back then.

My dad used to be a land surveyor on the weekends. I seriously hated that. Because, let me tell you, holding zero was definitely NOT on a 15, 16, 17-year old girls' top list of things to do on a weekend. "Holding zero" meant that once he found the metal stake in the ground, my job was to hold the zero on the measuring tape over the stake while he took the other end where ever he had to go. I got paid $5 an hour to do this (which was beyond fair, actually). Here's the thing, my dad never wrote anything down until we were completely finished and back in the old orange metal truck. Then he would sit and do a quick sketch of the plot completely from memory.

My dad worked a lot, but he always managed to make some time for my brother and I. I still remember him helping Brant and I build a snowman out in the front yard. But not your ordinary snowman. Ours was a frozen replica of Snoopy. For the final touch, my dad spray-painted his ears, nose and eyes black. Can you say awesome? He built snow forts and took us sledding. I don't mean that he stood and watched, he was on the back of the sled right behind me.

He always loved going to the movies, and it was a special treat for him to take us...right after we stopped at the corner gas station where he loaded my brother and my pockets with candy bars and other goodies and then instructed us to keep our hands in our coats until we sat down. I think one of the first movies I got to see with my dad was Star Wars.

The original one.

My dad used to check my Trigonometry homework for me...in his head.

When my first dog, Bojo (named after the song, Mr. Bojangles) died at 16, he took her to the top of Flag Mountain and buried her there so "she could see where we used to live." We lived on Taylor and there wasn't a soul living on the mountain back then. She died during the night and my dad buried her before I could see her in that state.

My dad has NEVER, and I really mean NEVER EVER said anything bad, degrading or mean about ANYONE. I have never heard him. Even when he had every right in the world to do so and no one would blame him. He just didn't. He always found the good in everyone and still does.

In the same sense, when I was growing up, my mom and I would often be at odds. But even if he didn't agree with her, he didn't fail to back her up. They were always a team. A force to be reckoned with. I couldn't get my way with dad when mom had already told me "no." I think that says something about BOTH my parents.

My dad was the one who got me my first library card for the "grown up" section. I will forever be grateful as it fueled my love of mystery, thriller and who-done-it novels.

He had an uncanny ability to explain things to me in a way that I could understand. He had the patience to explain it over and over and over if need be.

He taught me to snow ski and how to drive.

I have, sometimes unfortunately, inherited his dry sense of humor. You just get it or you don't.

I could go on forever about how he dealt with his stroke and recovery, but let me just tell you that the doctors told my mother he would either die, or be a vegetable for the rest of his life. That gives you only an iota of the amount strength, faith and determination he has. Of course, because of that strength, faith and determination, the rest of you are stuck behind him in traffic..while driving...5 mph.

I know you see his red truck and take a different route.

I had more than my share of teen angst, boy problems, popularity problems and the huge drama high school can bring a girl or the feeling of being overwhelmed in college. I used to try to get my dad to help me. A lot times, I would get so frustrated because he would just sit there, for the longest time, and not say a thing. When he finally did speak, it was usually some short sentence that was supposed to make me feel better. At the time, I would sigh, roll my eyes and wonder why I had even bothered to talk to him. But, those sentences are the very core by which I try to live my life. Two of the most powerful statements were:

"What was meant to be, will be."

and one that I use often:

"Life is like eating an elephant, you do it one bite at a time."

Wisdom at its very simplest, and yet so widely profound. I think that pretty much describes my dad to a tee.

It's hard to know your co-workers for the person they are outside of that environment. This is just the tiniest glimpse of who he is as a whole.

Congratulations, dad. I love you and I'm proud of you. I hope you enjoy every minute of every single day without the responsibility of punching a time clock.

(Oh, and good luck to you too, mom *wink*).