Thursday, December 29, 2011

Unite Against MRB! (Male Refrigerator Blindness)

I really don't understand why this disease hasn't had its place in the spotlight, its own colored ribbon plastering the backs of cars everywhere, or even its own telethon! I'm considering having T-shirts mass produced at an out-of-pocket cost, just to raise awareness and hopefully find a cure.

MRB (Male Refrigerator Blindness) does not discriminate between race or age. In fact, its symptoms start to manifest themselves in ages as early as 4 or 5, seemingly about the same time a young boy is able to open the refrigerator door in search of something to eat. The research has not been entirely completed as of yet, but these first signs seem to correlate with a trigger of mom having JUST sat down in a comfy position for the first time during a 12 hour period.

The disease may be defined as the inability to see anything that is not eye-level in a clear container that resides within the cool temperature controlled appliance, such as a refrigerator. Anything that is covered with aluminum foil seems to block the optical nerve from processing the contents of said aluminum foil and as such, it is not even perceived existing.
Invisible

It also seems to be the case for all foods that are:
  • in the door of the refrigerator
  • hidden cleverly behind a gallon of milk
  • residing within its own compartment - such as the veggie drawer
  • not stored in its original container (i.e. the two left-over pieces of pizza wrapped in foil, rather than the 16 - 18" cardboard box it came in, and needs an entire shelf to itself)
  • on a different shelf than the middle one (it doesn't seem to improve symptoms if the levels are made of glass)
  • not marked in large bold letters with a black Sharpie and neon blinking arrows pointing to it
 Unfortunately, there is no cure in sight, and the disease seems to progressively get worse as the male ages. It also has been dubbed as the "doorway" illness that leads to other such afflictions such as:  
  • FLS - (Folded Laundry Syndrome) where the victim is unable to process the fact that the folded clothes that have been sitting there for 5 days are his, and actually need to be put away.
  • RCM - (Remote Control Migration), if the remote control is not sitting on the arm of the lazy boy it is "lost" and never to be found again

It may even cause so much damage a person my suffer from FTN - (Failure To Nod). An extreme disorder which results in momentary paralysis of the head and failure to acknowledge that someone has spoken to them even though they may have heard every word. This particular ailment also freezes the ocular nerves and the larynx so the person may appear to be completely blind, deaf and mute, offering no response in any form.

Ladies, we must unite! We must find a cure to save not only those afflicted by this ever growing epidemic that may, at last count, have claimed the lives of 90+% of the male population, but their loved ones who must suffer along side of them every. single. day...leaving their comfortable positions on the couch to move that milk jug a fraction on inch and point out the food they were looking for! We must bring light and relief to all of those involved! Right hon? Hon? HON! Geez, can't you give me some sort of sign you heard me? I'm not yelling...

3 comments:

  1. MEN.
    And then, if left in charge they would fill the thing up with 10 bottles of Ketchup!

    Happy 2012 - I hope it is amazing for you!

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  2. Hahahahaha!!!!! Oh so true. My mother-in-law used to tell my husband to "Look with your eyes, not your mouth". I have yet to find a more accurate statement.

    visiting from write on edge.

    ReplyDelete