Tuesday, February 8, 2011

End of the World As We Know It?

According to the Mayan calendar, the world is supposed to end on my husband's 41st birthday. He says with his luck, he'll finally buy a lottery ticket, scratch off the numbers, win the big jackpot and BOOM! (Got screwed again, hon, is what he says). Although the hype seems to have died down, no pun intended, It still kind of haunts me. Usually when I'm daydreaming in the car on the way to work.

Personally, I'm going to side with the people who believe that OUR calendar isn't accurate in the first place, that the actual end of the world is thousands of years after that fateful day in December. I side with them for a couple of reasons, one being that my own belief is that God would not let mere mortals know when Armageddon is approaching. I mean, what would be the point? Everyone would live the way they wanted to right up to, umm, I don't know, 6 weeks prior? And then I suppose they would nearly all repent and be saved. Done deal.

The second reason is every movie I have seen that deals with this subject tends to approach it in almost the same way. I can tell you right now, I don't have the survival techniques. I'm kind of rooting that if it's a ton of asteroids that hit the earth, the first, biggest most fiery one falls right on my house. Then it would all be over. Morbid, right? But look at the the flip side, I really don't see myself being able to maneuver a mobile home a hundred miles an hour while meteors create fireballs inches away from the bumper and I'm dodging large cracks that open out of nowhere in the middle of the road.

I'm definitely not in any kind of physical shape to outrun some sort of indestructible robot, let alone heave anything substantial above my head to crush the circuitry in it's main motherboard (or whatever it's called.) I'd be panting, holding the stitch in my side after running a WHOLE BLOCK, and WHAMMO, smashed by something that runs on a motor. Dead.
Terminator - I'll be back

I can't stand winter, so any type of nuclear blast that would block the sun would be intolerable. Not only because of the cold, but because of the total lack of any decent take-out.
Day After Tomorrow - Brrr

Disease spreading monkeys? With my constant exposure to the germs the kids bring home from daycare, my immune system would probably survive the first wave of that. But I'm telling you right now, someone would have to bury the bodies of those who didn't survive, and it not going to me!
12 Monkeys

I certainly can't imagine surviving alone. No way. Who would listen to me bitch and complain about the heat, dirt, lack of water...
Book of Eli

Any time I picture this scenario, my family would survive as well. But that brings up several issues. It would not be possible to load up a back pack with water bottles and canned goods to start trekking to the nearest hub of civilization. We'd maybe get 2 blocks and Little Man would start whining that his legs hurt. There I would be trying to balance 35 lbs of kid on my hip and 80 lbs of gear on my back with a rope tied around my waist attached to the wagon with a broken wheel carrying all of our bedding and changes of underwear. Shawn wouldn't be able to carry him, because he will somehow deem it necessary to bring along his fish sonar (or something similar that he would be convinced we would need at some point!)

I've never been hunting and always end up apologizing to the worm when we go fishing. Let's say I discover my hidden talent for hunting birds, squirrels and other small furry animals and am able to bag fifty for supper. And let's say, I actually could keep the content of my stomach IN my stomach while skinning them to cook. My kids would still say, "What?! Squirrel again! Why can't we ever have anything good to eat?"

From our camping adventures, I'm pretty sure I could at least get a fire going. Staying awake to keep the wild animals at bay, that may be another story. I could see us all huddled in complete darkness, except for the orange glow of the fire. I'd have a shelter made (and swept, I'm sure) with sleeping bags laid out to keep us warm. Big K would turn to me, "Mom, I'm bored. What can we do?" It would take us 3 months longer than expected to get where we thought we were going because my sense of direction sucks, and we are without GPS when the cellphones died.

Of course, we'd probably run into other survivors, but I'd be embarrassed to join up with them because I hadn't done a thing with my hair and my kids' shirts are filthy.

But seriously, the world won't end on December 21, 2012, will it? Probably not, but I'm going to throw hubby one hell of a birthday party...on the 20th.

1 comment:

  1. I think those things too - It's not going to end on 12/21/12 - 12/12/12 - maybe! Good luck and maybe we will run into eachother on the barren plains - I'll be carrying a bottle of Windex!